Joy Oh Joy - Humor From Taiwan

Hu's on First

Thu, 24 Jan 2013 00:18:52 -0500

Hu is a common family name here in Taiwan and it happens to be the family name of the Taichung City Mayor. Because of this the following is common conversation I have with my wife.

“Hey look, it’s Taichung City Hall,” I say. “Hu works there.”
“The mayor,” says my wife.
“I know, that’s what I just said, Mayor Hu works there.”

That’s funny, but it lacks a certain spontaneity for me now. That’s why this little student interaction made me very happy.

“Teacher, what is nani(なに))?”
“Yes.”
“Teacher, nani is what?”
“Yes.”
“Nani is yes?”
“No, nani is what.”
…”I don’t understand.”

Is starting my day off at a place named Calorie a good idea or a...

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 21:58:44 -0500

Is starting my day off at a place named Calorie a good idea or a great idea?

Instant Update: It wasn’t that good of an idea.

I see what you did there.

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 21:00:03 -0500

I see what you did there.

I am really glad I accidentally came across your blog a few months ago. Always makes me smile.

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 10:01:59 -0500

I’m glad you you like it. Really I’m just glad someone other than my mother reads it.

Which reminds me, thanks for reading Mom!

The Real Taiwanese KFC

Tue, 08 Jan 2013 00:50:30 -0500

I saw this post a while ago. Sure KLG is quite obviously a rip-off of KFC. Though the name is pretty clever. G has the same pronunciation as the Chinese word for chicken (雞) and it is sometimes used on menus instead of the character. KL is an abbreviation for kuaile(快樂), one Chinese word for happy. So basically KLG is short for happy chicken, and obviously any chicken, or person, in a southern style white suit would be very happy, just ask Thomas Wolfe.

However, I think the real Taiwanese KFC is DingGuaGua(頂呱呱). They write TKK because they are using an old romanization system.

Sure they have your basic fried chicken, but they also have some truly Taiwanese dishes like their sweet potato dumpling. They also have a pretty tasty pocket pizza. I had one the other day. It was good, but it made my pants dirty.

I saw this in the Taichung Train Station yesterday. At first I...

Sat, 05 Jan 2013 21:12:47 -0500

I saw this in the Taichung Train Station yesterday. At first I though the language was way off and I had a few jokes about birds and Wesley, leaving the bathroom, quietly dejected. However do to a little “research” I found that among other things “snipe” can be a cigarette butt, which is what the Chinese says.

Fine I’ll let you off for the obscure translation, but you still have work to do on countable vs. uncountable nouns and the difference between “and” and “or.”

This Little Light of Mine, I'm Gonna Wait in Line

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 11:07:00 -0500

Goofy and I went to Taipei for the New Year weekend. We did our best to avoid sneaky photography,

and went to Longshan Temple, a beautiful old temple with a hard Taoist crust and chewy Buddhist center.

A nice gentleman told me I could find an English pamphlet at the door and that if I’d like to speak with any of the temple gods I could use whatever language I felt comfortable with. (Klingon?)

As we left the temple I was surprised to find a long row of chairs and benches tied together running up and down the temple walls.

As it turns out these chairs are holding their space in line, for a fee, to get a chance at an interesting Taiwanese religious practice, the Guangming Light.

Stacks like these can be found in almost every temple in Taiwan. The stacks are filled with tiny holes where people’s names, groups of names, or little statues with names on them can be found. Depending on the particular prestige and available space in any given temple, the price of one of these little crevices can vary greatly.

So why do people spend the time, and the consequential big bucks, to get their names written and placed in a little cubby hole no larger than a credit card?

Basically, it’s a year of spiritual insurance. When their names are placed in the holes devout receive a blessing from a priest, which brings them luck and protects them from rampaging Angry Birds fans, bureaucrats, and other sorts of bodily harm. Furthermore, you get the yearlong benefit of regular prayers and festivals shining their continence upon you(r name written on an index card).

It seems fair. I mean when my mom went to Rome her Catholic cousin made her bring a rosary or some such medallion so the Pope could wave at it. Maybe it wasn’t the Pope but merely a Bishop wearing the Pope’s hat and slippers.

1-That a rosary you got there?
2- Are you kidding? The pope waved at this. I haven’t cleaned it to this day.

However, it wasn’t until I peered around the corner that I fully realized the extent people were willing to go to to have their names included.

That’s right just like buying tickets for a Lady Gaga concert or getting good deals on Black Friday, it appears people are willing to camp out for the best view of the Buddha and the higher hole on the Guangming pole. And to be clear, it is raining.

I wish them all the best of luck for the coming year, though they may not need it after their names are safely in their new homes.

Goofy and I left this scene of personal fascination only to stumble into another at the Longshan MRT Station underground mall. A large group of people gathered around six televisions, none of them are muted.

Oh boy. Happy New Year Everybody!

I Would Hate to be His Therapist

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 05:53:22 -0500

Taiwan Mama was rushing out the door. “Hey where are you going,” I asked.

“I have to go pick on my son,” she said.

I was thinking she must really enjoy picking on her son, if she was in such a hurry to do it, but I still commented, “That’s a little mean, don’t you think.”

I could see her face starting to contort. She didn’t stop walking or say anything else, merely made a lifting motion and mouthed “pick up.”

That is as British as...

Fri, 21 Dec 2012 20:04:29 -0500

As it turns out living and working in Taiwan doesn’t just bring me into contact with Taiwanese people. It also brings me into contact with a fair number of Britons.

Before I came to Taiwan I couldn’t really say I knew any Britons, now I know considerably more (three). Just because we’re fellow westerners, though, doesn’t mean I can’t fall into some unusual cross-cultural interactions.

I was making Thanksgiving dinner for my former roommate, Tall Mike, who is not the tallest Mike I know, not even in Taiwan, but that’s beside the point. I was mashing some potatoes and I said, “hey Mike, have you ever mashed potatoes by hand before?”

“Of course, I’m British,” he replied.

I went back to mashing my potatoes, not realizing I had offended my roommate’s British sense of identity.

I have a new coworker who hails from the United Kingdom as well, Lovable British Constable, or LBC for short.

A new chicken stand opened next door to our school and we’re always looking for something new to eat in our small neighbor hood. This place has a chicken stick, which like the Wang Steak, is of questionable origin, but undeniable tastiness.

I was informing Lovable British Constable about what I thought their secret was, “What really sets them apart LBC, is that they batter, not bread, their chicken. Do you understand the difference?”

“Yes, for god sake’s man, I’m British.”

I was taken aback by the nearly identical phrasing. I decided there is as much to learn about the UK as their is to learn about Taiwan.

Oh well, I guess the next time I see the queen or Posh Spice I can just say, “that’s as British as mashed potatoes and batter.”

For a Cellphone

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 22:37:02 -0500

I started myself on a misadventure the other day, but before I go into it let me tell you why I did it.

First, I’m an Eagle Scout from a town of 5,000 people. Not only did I know most people in my town by name or face, I could identify them by car. (Oh look, Joel’s working at the Pizza Ranch tonight.) One time I found a wallet on the road and spent the next few hours trying to hunt the guy down. When I found him, I turned down the money he offered me, because that’s just the kind of guy I am.

Second, I had had a similar experience to the one I’m about to describe. It was a huge hassle which included several days of searching online, making phone calls and an almost two hour drive to the U-Bus graveyard halfway between downtown Taichung and Taichung port. I was doing my best to save someone that same hassle.

With that preface let me explain to you what happened when I found a cellphone on the bus.

I sat down to find a red cellphone sitting on the seat. I picked it up and looked around for any likely candidates. Seeing none, I put it in my pocket. I wasn’t going to steal it. When I lost my phone one the bus, I had no way of finding out. I filed a report, but no one contacted me. I lucked out, my cellphone held a charge long enough for it to ring when someone was close to it in the U-Bus Graveyard. Had they not heard it, I may have had a new smart phone instead of my adequate Nokia. Damn my luck. It does have some pretty rad stickers though.

So I thought to speed up the process, and reduce the phone’s chance of going to lost-and-found purgatory, by bringing it to my Taiwanese co-workers and having them call the last dialed number.

The last dialed number was the mother, the mother we found out, of a high school girl. I think the age of her daughter in part lead to some unneeded worry, but let me not get ahead of myself.

Gamma called the woman and asked, “Hello, are you the mother of the person that owns this phone? My coworker found it on a bus and would like to return it to you.”
The woman’s response was, interesting, “I am her mother, but how do I know you really have her cellphone,” or translated into a time and date where caller ID exists, “how do cellphone?”

Gamma and the woman had a little back and forth. “How do I know who you say you are? How can I trust you? I don’t know if my daughter’s cellphone is really missing.” We gave her the school number, which is listed, and said she could call us back if she wanted to make sure.

We transferred operational headquarters over to Three Fates. I, still excited to do the right thing, told her what was going on and that I would be going back to the Train Station later and would be willing to wait and return their phone.

The woman had hung up and called back. Three Fates passed through the “who are you really?” gauntlet only to come to no conclusion. Again the mother hung up and pondered what to do.

At this point some, “You should have just given it to the driver, police, etc.” started to float around. I still felt like I made the right choice.

Shortly thereafter, we received a call from her daughter’s teacher. The daughter was taking a test and could talk neither to us, nor her mother. The teacher, being a cool headed and impartial intermediary, confirmed we were just trying to help and communicated that to the mother.

We on the other hand had decided to just take it to the police. We told them which police station we were taking it to and where they could find it. Rodog took it over there for me. He waited for fifteen minutes after “someone” was supposed to arrive and then threw in our collective towel.

He gave the phone to a police officer. He explained the situation and the police officer again called the woman to explain the transfer of phone ownership (phownership?)

I don’t know what the woman was thinking, but what she said to the officer was, “How do I know you’re really a police officer?”
The uniformed man in the police station wasted little time in saying, “You’re kidding me, right?”

Now being the Smallville Eagle Scout that I am, it was tempting to say, “What’s wrong with these people?” However, I have to say that it’s not just cultural. There is more to it than that. Here’s my short list.

1. Taiwan media has been filled with stories of con-men tricking housewives, grandparents and other such types into giving away their hard earned cash. In fact an onlooker at the police station lauded the mother saying, “You know people can, do stuff.”
2. Population density does some crazy things to people. Taiwan is so dense that a 3 block square neighborhood can have 6 or 7 convenience stores and none of them want for business. I think people do whatever the can to claim a little privacy while running into people everyday and all the time. People aren’t less kind or friendly here. They are just used to keeping to themselves.

There is one thing I will put on Taiwan society. Organized crime is alive and well in Taiwan and it’s not unheard of for rich people to receive threats of extortion. For this reason that island has it’s share of secret rich, people who will buy two ratty looking adjacent homes, then gut the inside to make their own little pleasure palace. From the outside it looks like just any other home, or two homes in this case, but inside is the epitome of luxury. I believe this phenomenon is strictly Taiwanese. So there is a chance that these people were secret rich and were doing their best to not be taken advantage of.

So will I do it again? Will I let the cell phone be or will I try to return it myself? Of course I will try to return the cell phone on my own again, but next time, I’ll start by calling the dad.

Update: Too Much of a Good Thing

Tue, 27 Nov 2012 01:05:11 -0500

One of Mrs. Joy oh Joy’s friends wanted to fill me in on the tradition I mentioned in my last post about marriage in Taiwan. Here are two actual reason from a real Taiwanese person about why the recently married can’t go to another’s wedding.

One: Back in the old days it was the wife duty to get down to the baby making business. Therefore spouses and parents would want the bride to have no strain or excitement for the first trimester. We have similar traditions in the west, like waiting to announce a pregnancy until after the first trimester when most of the complications have past.

Two: Every new bride gets their own god, like a guardian angel. By going to someone else’s wedding you risk having your god transfer to the other bride.

So there you have it straight from the horse mouth. Thank’s very much to Mrs. Joy oh Joy’s friend for the info. I found it very interesting and I’m glad to share it.

Too Much of a Good Thing-ism

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 10:37:31 -0500

Well I’m officially married to Mrs. Joy oh Joy, formerly Goofy. It was a great experience. On the day, I was remembering someone once saying, “marriage is hell.” At the time I thought, as tired as I was, they must be taking about getting married. Hindsight being 20/20 though, the whole thing was over too quick and I am very glad we hired both a photographer and videographer so I can re-experience the whole thing whenever I want, which will probably be in 10 years when I feel I can finally get around to it.

Interestingly enough, one of Mrs. Joy oh Joy’s cousins got married shortly after we did. I was excited to go to her wedding because I saw just how willing her family was to accept me into their ranks and wanted to ride that feeling. Unfortunately, we can’t go.

Why? Because there is belief held by some, but not all, Taiwanese that a recently engaged, married or pregnent woman can’t go to a wedding ceremony. Another doozy is you’re not supposed to eat your own wedding cookies, but for today I’ll focus on ancient Chinese attendance secrets.

I wouldn’t call Taiwanese people religious in the way I would call Americans religious. No one hands out pamphlet spreading the good news of Matsu. Instead I would say they are the world’s most superstitious people, with those superstitions being spiritual in nature.

“Oh no, I’ve stepped on a crack. I better go burn some paper money and bai bai lest I break my mothers back.”

With all superstitions, I like to take them back a few steps, find a logical reason behind the “magic” veneer. With this one I think part of it is face saving, allowing the recently burdened or soon to be burdened out of going to the wedding without offending anyone. I also think some of it is “Don’t steal my sunshine-ism.” It’s the same reason attendees don’t wear white dresses to weddings in the USA, there should only be one most beautiful, lovely, important, etc. woman at the wedding.

So, while I’m sorry to have to miss A-zi’s wedding, I am glad that is has allowed me to experience another part of Taiwanese culture.

The Joy of Taiwan Marriage: Forms

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 12:46:47 -0400

I’ll be getting married in just under a month. At least that’s when I’ll be celebrating the marriage. Legally I’ll be married in about 3 weeks. The reason the dates are different, one is complicated and two has to do with feng shui. It’s a long story and a different post. Regardless I’ll be married soon and I’m happy to be starting my life with Goofy.

I’d like to walk you through the process of getting one of the forms required for foreigners looking to get married in Taiwan; the Marriage Affidavit or the confirmation of single status.

Since America keeps official directory of marital status, one merely has to go to the American Institute in Taiwan (AIT) (read embassy for a place whose status as a country is difficult) and swear before a notary that you are legally available, ladies, to be married. Other than the trip to Taipei and the $30 dollars American this part of the adventure was pretty painless.

On my way out the door the cashier did mention the document was good for three months. That’s where most of my trouble arose.

Fast forward to the next step of getting the Marriage Affidavit fit in the eyes of Taiwan is taking it to the National Immigration Agency(NIA) so they can confirm the signature of the notary. They looked at the document, made a fuss over a T I had crossed twice, literally, and told me to come back in 5 days. The woman was rather unfriendly, but I guess you don’t hire Immigration officials for their kindness and trusting nature. In the end, I got my document double authenticated and ready for marital bliss.

Again on my way out the door, I had a question for the official, “I hear I only have three months before this expires. Is that from the first date or this new date?”

The woman neither asking for clarification, nor saying anything to me pointed at the first date then hurried back to her lunch. It was the kind of response that doesn’t inspire certainty. There’s probably not much accountability in an office where you can say, “Who you gonna believe, me or the foreigner?”

Shortly thereafter, I went to the Household Bureau to get some further clarification on the dates. It was quite a different experience from the NIA. As soon as I walked in a volunteer lead to me a help desk. I asked the woman there about my problem. Her first response? “Congratulations.” I was bowled over. Not only that she called over a woman, who called someone else, to make sure I was getting the correct answer. I had six months before I would have to seek a new document. It was really a great experience.

I think the difference between the two offices is a matter of mission statements. The Household Bureau is set up to build and foster community, and possibly administer taxes, while the NIA is set up to keep undesirables out.

Of course I’m a measure twice, cut once guy so I needed a definitive on the dates. I didn’t want to get to the family shrine (read altar) and have a problem with the paper work.

Here’s an e-mail I sent to the AIT. I’ve ommited the dates. Please don’t come to my wedding (without a hongbao).

AIT,

I completed and notarized a Marraige Affidavit on —- of this year. I then had the notarization authenticated by the NIA in Taiwan on —- of this year. I understand there is a three month limit to the affidavit, meaning the —-.

Unfortunately my wedding is planned for —-. I asked once at Immigration if this would be a problem, then again at Housing and got two different answers. Housing said I had six months from the date provided by the NIA and the woman at the NIA gestured a response to my question between bites of her lunch. Can you help me with a definitive answer if possible so I can decide if I need to make an emergency visit to Taipei?

Thanks in advance.

I was looking for information, not an ambassador, but that seemed a little too difficult for the AIT. Here’s their response.

Mr. Kaardal,

Thank you for your inquiry. As we realized like you did, Single Affidavit is only valid for three months which was a policy from Taiwan Authority.

For the convenience for US citizens who plan to get married in Taiwan, we provide this service and have the single affidavits to be notarized at American Citizen Service as per requests for US citizens.

However, American Citizen Services here at AIT is not at the position or authority to make any decisions or permissions regarding your case for Taiwan government.

Since you live in Taichung, AIT would like to suggest you to contact with NIA and Household Bureau for checking more details before you come to Taipei.

Regards,
AIT, American Citizen Services

Seeing that I was asking for advice and not decisions nor permissions, I imagine this e-mail was meant to keep them from being accountable for any answer they would have given me. On that count AIT I would say your posterior is not only covered it is armor clad and housed in a bunker. Furthermore, your advice to return to not one, but both of the agencies that caused the initial confusion was even less than unhelpful. Sometimes, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” Also I’m not even sure if this is grammatically correct legal jargon. I officially offer my editorial service to the (UN-official representative of the) government of the USA.

At last I had my good friend and boss Rodog call housing back for me. He confirmed that I had six months and since his Chinese is much better than mine, I wasn’t worried that there was something lost in translation. Six months and that’s what I’m sticking to. Of course, I’ll take a page from the AIT’s book on this one and say don’t hold me to that.

Post Joy: The same day I submitted the Affidavit I also changed my official address to where I am now living with Goofy. It was still NIA, but the service was better. Perhaps because they had instant feedback machines right on the desk.

Clerk: What would you like sir?
Me: I’d like to change my address.
Clerk: Where is your proof of address sir.
Me: (Grabbing Goofy who was standing beside me) Here is my proof.

I Won't Add it to My Resume

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 12:22:57 -0400

Goofy told me another interesting story about Taiwanese with entitlement issues. Apparently a woman in Taipei nicknamed Ferrari Princess found her car vandalized. A passerby took a knife to the hood, scraping a long gouge into it. Was the woman response a reasonable cry for the strengthening of public morals or the degradation there of. Well, of course not.

Her response was simple, “You can’t do that to me. I’m a beautiful woman.”

Goofy thought this was funny. The upper crust of Taiwanese society do have a penchant for lack of accountability and a legal system built around keeping problems from becoming, well, legal enables them. No wonder Goofy thought this was just another story about “the beautiful people.”

However there’s a twist to this story that I picked up on and she didn’t. Watch this video and maybe you’ll be able to catch it too.

That’s right the “beautiful woman” is actually a man. No, I’m not being overly rude to what some may call a handsome woman. It did come out later that she was in fact a man in drag or transition, which I have no problem with by the way.

I think everyone should be allowed to identify however they wish, but her already flimsy rebuttal has some wiggle room on the woman part. (You can decide for yourselves if there is wiggle room on the beautiful part.)

Goofy was watching the news with her father as this news was broken and Elle shared with her father that I had thought the woman was a man. He said I was quite perceptive and that I was really awesome. (Loose translation: he also mentioned that I was handsome and as strong as an ox. Again loosely translated of course.)

Great I thought, I can change my business card to Wade “Gender Detector” Kaardal. Don’t look for that on my CV.

Mixing your Ks and Ts

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 13:19:16 -0400

One of my students has a problem keeping her K’s and her T’s straight. She would often say T when she should have said K. Let’s fly a kite=Let’s fly a tite.

At first I thought this was quite unusual, until I rolled the two sounds around in my mouth like a fine chardonnay or like the mead I’m currently brewing. I realized if you weren’t clear about where to touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth you could easily mix the two sounds.

I thought this was adorable as any one would. Of course the confusing consonants didn’t come to my mind as I pointed out the students new shoes.

“Wow! Your shoes are cute. Is that Hello Kitty?” I asked.

“Yes, it’s Hello …

Where Does This Bus Stop?

Mon, 01 Oct 2012 23:07:10 -0400

I was riding the bus as I often do, when I took some extra time to pay attention to the names of the stops. One stop caught my attention, Front Market.

There are many markets in Taiwan; morning markets, night markets, flower markets, and any number of other fruit and vegetable markets. At first I thought Front Market was the name of this particular market, when in fact the Chinese name was literally “in front of the market.”

This gave me a good laugh. Can you imagine getting on a bus in the USA?

Driver: Where you going?
Passenger: By the McDonald’s.
Driver: Okay, three fifty.

To top it off, the market is actually down the road a ways.

You Loop it, Then you Swoop it

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 23:48:00 -0400

I was leaving a 7-11 when a woman ran out after me. I was kneeling down to tie my shoes at the same time the woman tried to get my attention to tell me my shoe was untied. I thanked her politely and moved along.

I later ran into the same woman. She looked at me then looked at my shoes. Not pleased with my shoe tying ability she gestured for me to sit down.

“I’m ok,” I said.

Exasperated, she knelt down to double tie my shoes.

She finished one and gestured for the other.

“I’ll do it myself,” I said, a little embarrassed over having an elderly Taiwanese woman tie my shoe.

As I knelt to double knot the other shoe she said, “there, that way it won’t come untied again.”

“For sure,” I replied.

I once told Goofy, I try to replace family and friends from back home with people here. Well I think white people give old Taiwanese women a chance to replace their children and grandchildren.

For a Coffee Mug?

Sun, 16 Sep 2012 23:50:15 -0400

As part of monthly promotions held at Taiwanese 7-11 they are giving away Angry Bird Coffee mugs. There is only one problem, 7-11 has run out. You can still reserve a mug, but you have to wait a few months to get it. This lead to an interesting altercation between a customer and a clerk.

The customer had collected seven out of eight Angry Birds. Which ones was she missing? The flagship of the Angry Bird brand, the red bird. So she went to the 7-11, filled in the reservation form, and requested the red bird. Of course in classic collectibles form, you can’t do that. The box that the mugs are shipped in give no indication of color. There is no code that either the clerk or the customer can determine.

The clerk calmly explained this to the woman, who promptly stole the display cup. The clerk chased after her and the two had a tug-of-war over the cup. The clerk finally got the cup. For his service to he received a slap square across face.

Goofy coined her own headline for this incident, Angry Bird vs Angry Woman.

Kids These Days

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 22:04:00 -0400

One of my students isn’t the most attentive. I have to stop him from fight epic hand battles with himself, grand affairs using pencils and erasers as swords and bludgeons.

Looking at him the other day his finger was hilt-deep in his mouth. He then took it out and sniffed. I had to intercede.

“Hey,” I said,” What are you doing?”

He gave me no response, merely dragged his finger across the chair and tabletop of the desk next to him.

“Go wash your hands,” I said, dead-pan.

I turned around to write something on the board. When I turned around I saw he had a new occupation for his hands. I can’t really explain so I’ll let this song explain for me.

I didn’t him let use the class markers after that.

A Shortage of...

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 22:49:00 -0400

I was talking to my friend Curly about my upcoming wedding and return to the United States.
Curly: How long are you going to be in the States.
Me: Ten days, but I'll be leading a gaggle of Asian tourists around. (Meaning my fiancee's family.)
Curly: Too short.
Me: I know.
Curly: The time, not the Asian tourists.
Me: I figured.