Joy Oh Joy - Humor From Taiwan

In Taiwan Confucius’ Birthday is celebrated as Teacher’s day. Students often give their teachers cards and small gifts. Here is a card I wrote for one of my Taiwan Mama.

Taiwan Mama,

Like the noble stag teaches its fawn, you have taught me. When the time came for games, you taught me games. The proud stag is also known to teach their young games, however these games prepare them for confrontations with the wolf. These games take on a deadly seriousness. You have also taught me where to find things around the school, just like the stag teaches the fawn where to find cool streams, sweet berries, and shaded groves where it can hide from the wolf.

Thank you for bringing me into your herd of teachers,
Wade Kaardal

Taiwan Mama read this and said I make her head hurt.

“Hey Taiwan mama, can you review the Final show with the students next week. I don’t think they understood what I was saying today.”

Taiwan Mama, “Oh sorry, I didn’t recognize that today was the final show today.”

“Recognize? By recognize do you mean remember.”

Taiwan Mama pauses for a second then just walks away.

Around my school, Curtains is known as something of a bathroom hog. The worst part being that she hogs the bathroom for the sole reason of washing and wiping off oil from her face. This can be particularly annoying when she does it the minute or two before class starts and someone, me, really gots to go.

So, needless to say seeing Curtains waiting for the bathroom was something of a satisfying moment for most of the people at school. In fact Rodog and Unstoppable were gathered around to see this interesting sight.

As I was walking down, I didn’t stop to watch, but I did say, “Curtains waiting for the restroom, how ironic.”

Apparently she had been waiting for about five minutes before Rodog noticed that the light switch was off (in Taiwan light switches to restrooms and other small rooms are often on the outside). Rodog opened the bathroom door and said, “Curtains there is no one in here.”

“Gasp-dog,” Curtains said, “I have been cheated. Did you do this?”

Rodog replied, “No Curtains, you did this to yourself.”

I’ve decided to depart from my usual short anecdote form to instead post some things my co-workers have put on Facebook. Often I place my self in front of the computer and like Karen Capshaw in The Temple of Doom the English my co-workers use outside of work straps me to an altar and lowers me into a volcano. “Kalima, Kalima.”

Curtains - He’s incredibily annoyed !! Got tired of the way he acts !!

Highlander - What a happiness girl you are! I’m so jealous..

Curtains - I didnt laugh actually, believe me!

Curtains - I got something on my mind…M-O-N-E-Y
Me - Spelling? That’s a really big word. Good job!
Curtains - no, you didn understand it
Me- Actually, I think I did.

I was walking out of the office area at school when Taiwan Mama and Highlander were talking about something. Highlander is thus named because as far as anyone can tell she has lived forever, occasionally she has assumed new names to hide her identity, some times she must do battle with other immortals while listening to Queen’s “Princes of the Universe” to attain their powers.

http://youtu.be/VEJ8lpCQbyw

So the two of them are clearly engrossed with something. Taiwan Mama turned to me exasperated and said, “Wade, help me! Does Highlander have good feet?”

Highlander already had her shoe off and was asking if her feet looked good.

I looked down and just said, “You got some good feet… so who is your special friend you’re going to be showing your feet to.”

Highlander said, “Aiyo (a Chinese exclamation,)” and walked off.

Later, I walked by her and asked, “What do you think of this elbow?”

I walk downstairs holding a beach ball and a butterfly net. Curtains asked me, “Did you play another one of your stupid games?”

Wounded, “Curtains, do you hear yourself speak sometimes?”

“What do you mean?”

Ro-dog overhead and jumped in, “You can’t say everything you think Curtains, that would be like me asking, did you look in the mirror today?”

“Of course I did.”

“Yes, but the fact that I said it makes you feel bad.”

Curtains, “Oh, ok.”

Later that night Curtains asked me, “Are you going to play one of your mmhmm games?”

“Curtains, making noises instead of saying the word is the same as saying the word.” (Groan-dog)

I planned a Moon Festival BBQ for the last weekend and decided to invite all of my coworkers. I extended the invitation to all of my coworkers individually.

“Curtains, I’m having a barbecue this weekend, you and Mr. Tang are welcome to come.”

“Um, do you have any friends in Taiwan?”

(My face melts like Indiana Jones and the Ark of the Covenant)

Leaving work last night Gamma and I were almost hit by a car. I said in my folksy, “oh dad,” kind of way, “son of a bee-sting.”

Gamma said, “I know right…Do you think passengers have priority?”

“Actually I have two thoughts on that. First by passengers you mean pedestrians. Second by priority you mean right of way.”

“Hmm?”

“A passenger ride in a vehicle but doesn’t drive it. A pedestrian is someone who walks on the street and in sidewalks. Priority is close, but usually in a situation on the road you mean right of way.”

“…Please don’t write about this.”

Curtains has a boyfriend whose last name, depending on which tone you use, could mean soup, sugar, to lie down, or it could actually just be his last name.

One day on Facebook I asked Curtains, “how can one man be both hot like soup and sweet like sugar?”

She replied, “You will know.”

I read this, then said, “When will I know, tomorrow?”